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rant [Tuesday November 28th, 2006 at 3:32am] minor rant for just a sec...i am really fucking sick of this society. i am so sick of these ideals it has set up for what is beautiful. i hate feeling inadequete cuz i don't have double d's. i'm so fucking sick of feeling like shit everytime someone says some chick is hot cuz i don't look like that ideal. i'm so sick of hating myself because victoria's secret says i have to. have you noticed that if you need a smaller size bra in that store it only comes padded to high heaven? you know which is fun sometimes but god why is it fucking madatory? i'm so used to hating that part of myself i don't even know how to stop. which i think is what i hate the most.

[Tuesday August 1st, 2006 at 8:34am] man i hate tuesdays...WoW is down till 2 so from now till then i have nothing to do. hah hmm does someone need a life? oh dear...i'm watching the new pomeranian while mat's at work. everyone else is at ozzfest so it's just me and flo :) it's really nice having some alone time (though it would be better if there was some WoW involved lol). i have to work tonight which sucks and is good at the same time. i really like working there but i hope there is actually a good amount of deliveries. last tuesday i had one...made five whole dollars! we'll see. hopefully i'll get out at a decent time...we usually do...much better than panera :P lol i need to get a new and better camera asap. i found one online for $200 which i have but i still have a problem spending that much money on myself. as much as i want it i want an apartment more so...well i don't really have anything to say...i think i might give this thing up cuz lj is seeming more and more like a pity party to me. my own entries included. idk...i'm really tired and out of it cuz i need to eat. i think i'm gonna go visit my mom cuz i miss her :)

so baby don't follow their lead 'cause you never know just how the story ends [Tuesday June 20th, 2006 at 9:17pm] [ mood | headache ] [ music | cartel ] i've been getting way too many headaches lately. i got a really bad one like three nights ago that was so bad i was just cried the whole night and couldn't really sleep. it makes me a little worried but the only doctor's appointment i can get so far isn't till september. i kinda don't want to wait that long. it would be nice to know why i'm getting them so bad and to get medicine that will actually make them go away. my mom says they're probably because of stress. i guess i can see that. but still i wish i could see a doctor. it's not fun. damn you tricare for not being taken anywhere. and damn you navy hospital for not seeing me ever. dammit! i really need a job. and now i really want one cuz our friend nick invited mat and i to a convention in baltimore in august and i'd really like to go. it would be sweet to go on a road trip :) so now i have some motivation to actually get one. ya know, cuz being able to buy shit and have money isn't :P speaking of which does anyone know of anyplace around that will exchange euros for american money? i have 146 euro which is too much to just have around and be useless. one thing i'm really excited about is rev beth asked me if i would house-dog-bird sit for her for a few days in july :) i'm pretty stoked because before i even had to ask (which for some reason i was a little nervous about) she said mat could come. which is sweet cuz he's closer to work and we can get away. halleluia!! lol especially since gary isn't working at ups anymore we have no time to be alone at all. not even to just do anything it was nice to fall asleep without music and the tv blasting. and just being alone in general is missed. so that will be amazing. and she's paying me for it which is completely unnecessary but cool anyway :) i also found this thing that the mystic aquarium does called career shadowing or something like that. from what i can tell, you just "shadow" someone who works there to see if it's something you'd be interested in doing. i didn't find anything that said you had to massively educated or anything. i'm gonna try it out anyway :) so, i guess wish me luck lol

[Friday May 26th, 2006 at 3:26pm] tomorrow i leave for france :) i'm really excited at the moment. the only time i'm not is when i'm in bed next to this warm body i love more than anything...then not so much but hey, it's not that long a time. and plus..uh...i'll be in fucking france! so i must go finish packing and then i'll probably waste the night away on world of warcraft :) i love you all!

[Monday May 22nd, 2006 at 6:16pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | 'that song about the midway'~~~bonnie raitt (joni cover) ] hey so i'm getting my shit together. at least partly. mostly what i mean is getting back in shape. i'm really sick of feeling so shitty about myself all the time. like, i live in a house of boys and we'll be watching tv and then "wow that chick is mad hot" and i just feel 'well shit i don't look like that...'. not that walking everyday (or so :)) is going to make me look like that but at least i'll feel better about myself and won't feel the need for everyone elses opinions (imagined or real) to matter entirely. not only will i get rid of some flab that's accumulated but i'll also be doing something. i won't be quite such a bum which will also give me a boost. and i'll be able to do stuff like go on bike rides with mat and not be so embarassed by my thighs in a skirt. so i'm pretty excited about that. that will also get me off me ass to actually do random shit like laundry (i have two loads going now...sad cuz i need to do two seperate laods but hey, i'm proud). walking also clears my head of random shit that would pile up till i get to the point where i'll randomly feel like crying. i probably won't give up cigarettes or the occasional beer or eat my veggies but it's at least a start. so...uhh...yay! i'm also getting really excited about france. i've been having really mixed feelings about it for a month or two and now i'm over that. i'm getting souped to be able to clear my mind and just to be in france :) i'll probably cry when i say goodbye to mat at the station but hey, i will miss him. and everyone. of course i will. but that's not going to be my only feeling the whole trip. and i think it'll be good to spend a little time not together 24/7. not that i don't like it but i think it'll be good. and it'll be that much better when i get home ;) hehe ahhh...

if you're scared of something, it probably means you should do it [Saturday May 20th, 2006 at 10:16pm] [ mood | drunk ] ahhhh...so, i'm sitting here...a little tipsy from two shots of peach vodka and on my third beer...yeah i'm a lightweight we know. :) laura and chyvann are here and we're watching '28 days later'. i don't know, it's a good movie once or twice but i've seen it like six times and it's a little old. i leave for taize in a week. i'll be in a plane to france at this time next week. maybe i'll be there...i'd have to figure out the time difference...anyway, i'm excited about it as well as knowing i'm gonna miss people alot but hey, it's only a week and it's gonna be amazing. i'm gonna go play beer pong and probably hit someone in the eye but they've all been warned so...yeah i'm a low life...i know...shush...:)

if dreams were thunder, lightning was desire, this old house would've burned down a long time ago [Sunday March 12th, 2006 at 1:52pm] [ mood | mellow ] well at the moment i am thinking about going to bancroft school of massage therapy. a friend of my mom's went there and said it was absolutely amazing. i don't know what got me to thinking about massage therapy but there it is :) i figure it's a good way to make money and support myself until i figure out what i want to do when i grow up :) also it's between a 9 and 13 month program which is alot better than two years to me. i am just not a school person and would like to get something done as soon as possible. which makes me kind of nervous to do this. it's $13,000 and i have a tendancy to be flighty. my mom says it's because of me being vata (she's gotten into the auru vedic thing lately and yes, i know i didn't spell that right :)). i'll be really excited and into something at first but then halfway into it i get either overwhelmed or just disinterested...all manner of things. but i'm thinkin/hoping that if i have a set goal in the semi near future i'll be more inclined to stick with it. all through ccri i've just taken random shit that didn't get me anything but random credits i didn't know what to do with so who knows. and $13,000 is alot of money to quit halfway through. i wish i could pay for it myself but as of now...that's another thing to...the school is full time so i don't know how i could work and stay sane. but right now i am living with the most helpful and generous people so maybe it would be ok. but i hate taking money from people. even if i help out with random shit i still feel bad. other things: da da da daaaaa speaking of the generous people, martha and cat are wanting to open up a store. a kind of new age/wiccan shop. which would be incredibly awesome :) we're taking an herb class at the moment and martha wants to get certified in it and she can make all kinds of things for it. i can make jewelery. cat can do whatever. i think it would be alot of fun :) who knows if it would actually happen but it's a nice dream lol also, i love mat so much sometimes i could cry. just a thought. but along with being so happy and in love and living with him, there's always this thing in the back of my head that is just terrified i'm gonna lose him. i don't want to. not for a while anyway. that would be good. and i don't think i will :) he might not want to cry sometimes :) but he loves me more than i thought anyone could. he is so loving and makes me feel beautiful which is hard to do :P lol this is the first time in my life i've ever felt beautiful. i don't just mean in an outside, superficial way but just in the way that i might mean something to the world. which is weird...and kinda sorta cool :) i guess that's it...i thought there was more but i guess that will be another time...

barbeque chicken is god [Sunday February 5th, 2006 at 8:10pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | the superbowl ] well i can't go to france...not unless i can magically make $500 appear by the end of the month...*cries alot* it really fucking sucks. not only is a french class going to "waste" but taize was probably the most amazing experience of my life so far. not only being in france (amazing photographic opportunites btw...especially now that i'll have a class under my belt) but meeting tons of amazing people from all over the place is just awesome. the Spirit is everywhere...not only in the most beautiful and moving services ever but just eating lunch and going to the source and cleaning toilets. i want to eat a four course meal in three hours drinking wine and relaxing...listening to people talk and not being able to understand a word. i want to miss everyone like crazy and appreciate everyone so much more when i get back. i want to call people from a payphone listening to some lady rattling directions in french. i wans to see buildings that have been standing since before this place was invaded by the fucking pilgrims. gahhh fuck you money!!!!

we've had enough [Wednesday February 1st, 2006 at 7:42pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | 'overcome'~~~rx bandits ] We've had enough of these politician's wars All we need right now is love We've had enough of the military scoreboards All we need right now is love The future is held in the hands that write the textbooks Ignorance is bred when falsified thinking is taught to the youth instead of past mistakes and mind elevation like the graves that manifest destiny has created So we can build our capitolist consumer based economy to build, market, and sell commodities we don't need We are trained to believe, like celebrity imaging Now I'm here to take my feelings back and I hope that you will be with me I can't wait for the day when I here us all screamin' Ahhhhhhhh I can't wait for the day when I here us all singing together Ohhhhhhhh I can't wait for the day when I here us all screamin Here comes the revolution! When every race, color, and creed of militant human beings stand up with fists together for something with true meaning because right now we've got our feet stuck in cement too caught up in the material status quo punishment but one thing is for sure and that's the sun will always set Darling you can bet our moon is quite the opposite So baby take an axe to your makeup kit Set ablaze the billboards and their advertisment Love with all our hearts and never forget how good it feels to be alive and strive for your desire Just 'cause you can't see your cage doesn't mean that you are free When there are laws against nature but it's ok for you to be addicted to over-the-counter prescriptions and magazines dictate all of our human relations I'm not buyin, no I'm not giving in to a culture the objectifies all of our women I'm not buyin, no I'm not consuming the apathetic dribble on the news media's chin I'm not buyin, no I'm not giving in to the lies that are fed through textbooks to children I'm not buyin, no I'm not consuming because the positive will always overcome the negative right

fuckin a is the word of the day [Friday January 27th, 2006 at 8:57pm] A Song Meme: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to. 1- "Overcome"-RX Bandits 2- "Angel from Montgomery"-John Prine 3- "Songs from the Wood"-Jethro Tull 4- "Jack in the Green"-Jethro Tull 5- "For a Dancer"-Jackson Browne 6- "Tangerine"-Led Zepplin 7- "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage"-Panic at the Disco if you want to do it...if not that's cool to :P today sucked ass i fucking hate yellowcard...i don't think there are words to describe how much

i miss who you were, not what you've become... [Sunday January 22nd, 2006 at 7:23pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | 'the road and the sky'~~~jackson browne ] well i think i have a lot to say so i'll just do the ol' plus minus thing...though i'll probably not end up with as much as i think...unimportant since no one reads this anyway...which is also unimportant...and there's a dear peaches licking my face :) +i have started school again after a year and a half break. damn it is good :) taking photography, drawing, and basic spoken french. it's really nice to be doing something even though i don't really have a plan of outcome. it feels really good to be back despite the fact it's ccri aka satan's asshole (no, it's not the DMV...if dane cook ever went to ccri in warwick i think he would agree) +my teachers (so far) are really cool. especially my french teacher :) she's a firecracker but i hope i never get on her bad side cuz i think that would be ugly +thank god for cat. he's a photographer and is so far being absolutely amazing about helping me with everything since i've never dabbled in real professional photography. i would be quite lost without the other stupidest white person in america. i'm very glad i get along with him and mat's mom so well. they're fun people to spend a day with -my photography class is really expensive what with equitment i need and such -and i have no money -and my school schedule cuts hours i can work so people don't hire me...or i just suck...which is possible i s'pose :P lol +but i have an amazing grandmother who's helping me out :) +i made friends in all my classes the first day which is awesome...including a guy who's a random friend of mine on myspace who i happened to sit next to...how weird/pathetic is that...lol +i got an awesome new coat today that i love alot and it's long and warm and not poofy!! -i need a job...so fucking bad. i hate that i need one. i kinda wish i could be one of those people who just goes to school and doesn't have to worry about money for another three years. but no, i have bills to pay and gas to get and 57 cents to my name. "they told me i was gonna have to work for a living but all i want to do is ride..." oh jackson browne if only we could... -i could make some pocket money making earrings and selling them at my cousin's salon but i don't have the money to get supplies...how very very sad +but i might be able to be a bus moniter with mat's mom which works out perfect for my school schedule, has a garenteed week's work, and unemployment during the summer which i think would be sweet...especially if i could work with younger kids cuz i like them better :) ++++i'm pretty much living at mat's which is amazing. i get to go to sleep in his arms and wake up to such a fucking beautiful man (almost) every day that that pretty much outweighs all negatives (though they still suck). i am so in love it's insane and i don't even know if it's legal :-D he takes such amazing care of me and i'm so blessed to be in such a loving and, dare i say, mature and adult relationship. i'll stop gushing though i think i could go on for several pages +i'm seeing an art therapist which is pretty cool. i finally have in unbiased opinion to whatever things are on my mind or bothering me, or things that make me glad to be alive. and i get to do artsy stuff and that's freaking cool :) +and in a little less than a week kristen and i will be in boston hanging out with mae :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! annnnd...*scene*

and these amazing words were written by a 16 year old boy [Saturday January 14th, 2006 at 7:11pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | 'angel from montgomery'~~~john prine ] I am an old woman named after my mother My old man is another child grown old If dreams were thunder Lightening was desire This house would've burned down such a long time ago Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery Make me a poster of that old rodeo Just give me one thing that I can hold onto To believe in this livin' is just a hard way to go When I was a young girl I had me a cowboy he wasn't much to look at just was a free ramblin' man There was a long time no matter how hard I tried The years they just rolled by like a broken down dance Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery Make me a poster of that old rodeo Just give me one thing that I can hold onto To believe in this livin' is just a hard way to go There's flies in the kitchen I can hear them there buzzin' And I ain't done nothing since I woke up today But how the hell can a person go on to work in the morning to come home in the evening and have nothing to say Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery Make me a poster from that old rodeo Just give me one thing that I can hold onto To believe in this livin' is just a hard way to go...

ugh? [Sunday January 8th, 2006 at 7:12pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | 'exhiles among you'~~~the weakerthans ] Her body is a difficult sister, and she loves her, and hides her somewhere in herself safe from harm. She's barely coasting into a paycheque, stuck on empty. Her blue eyes frozen green in the low-lit ATM. I need a way to measure the distance. I need a way to say why, out of breath or out of key, her voice resonated in me. Her body is a difficult sister, and she loves her, and hides her somewhere in herself safe from harm. Her night shift is over, she's writing you a postcard to say that she's okay and it's raining there again. My fury's rising faster than bus-fares. Could someone clarify why there's no structured narrative? No neat story-line to explain? Wish on everything. Pray that she remains proud and strange and so hopelessly hopeful. (Wishes and prayers are the way that we leave the lonely alone and push the wounded away). She shoplifts some Christmas gifts, and a bracelet for herself, and considers phoning home. Has some quarters in her hand. But she sits down on the sidewalk and bites her bottom lip, and spends the afternoon willing traffic-lights to change...

gotta love jackson browne :) [Friday January 6th, 2006 at 2:01am] [ mood | sleepy but no! must watch! ] [ music | 'great white attack' at the moment ] When we come to place where the road and the sky collide Throw me over the edge and let my spirit glide They told me I was going to have to work for a living But all I want to do is ride I don’t care where we’re going from here Honey, you decide Well I spend my time at the bottom of a wishing well And I can hear my dreams singing clear as a bell I used to know where they ended and the world began But now it’s getting hard to tell I could be just around the corner from heaven or a mile from hell I’m just rolling away from yesterday Behind a wheel of a stolen chevrolet I’m going to get a little higher And see if I can hot-wire reality Now can you see those dark clouds gathering up ahead? They’re going to wash this planet clean like the Bible said Now you can hold on steady and try to be ready But everybody’s gonna get wet Don’t think it won’t happen just because it hasn’t happened yet I’m just rolling away from yesterday Behind the wheel of a stolen chevrolet I’m going to get a little higher And see if I can hot-wire reality and i can't sleep...discovery channel keeps playing shark shows...mostly shark attacks which i find unbelievably fascinating. though who knows what my dreams are gonna be like :-/ lol

i want to be bob dylan... [Thursday January 5th, 2006 at 4:55pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | 'mr jones'~~~the counting crows ] so i was told that RIC has a dance therapy program but when i went on the website i couldn't find it...any one know anything?? help would be loverly cuz that sounds interesting

Happy New Years! [Monday January 2nd, 2006 at 11:32am] [ mood | chillin ] [ music | 'the new year'~~~death cab for cutie ] So this is the new year and i don't feel any different The clanking of crystal Explosions in the distance So this is the new year and I have no resolutions for self assigned penance, for problems with easy solutions So everybody put your best suit or dress on Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn As thirty dialogues bleed into one I wish the world was flat like the old day and you could travel just by folding a map No more airplanes or speedtrains or freeways There'd be no distance that could hold us back So this is the new year...

[Saturday December 31st, 2005 at 4:18pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | whatever gary's listening to...it's good ] In the year 2006 I resolve to: Blame Canada. Get your resolution here haha that's for neil :)

and now that it's all over the birds can nest again [Friday December 30th, 2005 at 6:57pm] [ mood | hmmm...;) ] [ music | 'goodbye'~~~elton john ] Your Life: The Soundtrack Opening credits: Tiny Dancer-Elton John Waking up: I'm Only Sleeping-The Beatles Average day: I'm Ready-Jack's Mannequin First date: Inside the Pocket-Something Corporate Falling in love: Giving it Away-Mae Love scene: Transatlantacism-Death Cab for Cutie Fight scene: We Can Work it Out-The Beatles Breaking up: River-Joni Mitchell Getting back together: Come Back-The Early November Secret love: Day Late Friend-Anberlin Life's okay: Sunrise-Norah Jones Mental breakdown: Slow Dance-Senses Fail Driving: America-Simon and Garfunkel Learning a lesson: The Wind-Cat Stevens Deep thought: Blowin In The Wind-Bob Dylan Flashback: The Astronaut-Something Corporate Partying: Out Tonight-from RENT Happy dance: Sell Out-Reel Big Fish Regreting: If I Laugh-Cat Stevens Long night alone: Tomorrow is a Long Time-Bob Dylan Death scene: Life's a Long Song-Jethro Tull Closing credits: Goodbye-Elton John Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

do you know where the powder packets are?!?! [Tuesday December 27th, 2005 at 10:45pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | the fellowship of the ring :) ] TO ALL THE TRUE CAMP PEOPLE OUT THERE: YOU KNOW YOURE A CAMP "LIFER" IF 80% of your clothing shows evidence of tie-dye. Abnormality is a compliment. ACA standards are met religiously. All your camp friends could be clinically classified as either pyromaniacs, multiple personalities, or obsessive compulsive. But not really, we're just cool. Being at home makes you campsick. Dressing up only involves slightly cleaner clothes. Everything you have has your initials on it. Its socially acceptable to cry in front of your entire group. Most of your stories start with "and then there was this one time, at camp..." Peanut butter is its own food group. Sandal/watch tan lines are a competition. Screaming and running at the same time is a coveted skill. Sharpies and duct tape are worth more than gold. Water cures all ills. Camp has been over for 22 minutes, and you're already thinking about next summer. You are convinced that there is no way you can date someone who is not a camp guy/girl, because no one else really understands. You can burst into song about anything. You can have a heated discussion over the differences/advantages between GaGa & 4-square. You can make anything out of duct tape, including band-aids. You can make up a song about anything. You can shampoo, wash, and shave your legs, etc in less than 5 minutes. You can think of 50 ways to use a bandanna off the top of your head. You can walk the woodsy paths at night without a flashlight. You feel weird when you're not linking arms with someone. You don't think non-camp people can understand your summer life. You've made friends with the "office people" or the camp nurse just so you have a place to hang out. You eat ketchup with everything. You ever wonder why camp people give the best hugs. You go to school just to fill time between summers. You have a camp set of clothes. You have a collection of outfits for theme weeks. hell yes. You have (had) about 20 mosquito bites in 1 square inch of skin. You have an entire volume of camp-friendly mixed CDs. You have ever tried to dance inside a moving vehicle. Your friends life goals are to go to medical school / law school...yours is to be a color war captain. You have no clue what's on TV until mid-September, cause you never watch it at camp. You know all 753 1/2 verses of "Boom-Chica Boom." You know exactly how to get to camp from home by car, boat, plane or any other means of transportation. You know that laughter, hiccups, sneezes, itching, and yawns are contagious. You can be blindfolded and lost in a remote location - and you'll still know exactly how to get to camp. You were disappointed to find that you cant major in "camp." You never refuse free food. You refer to your counselors as your big sisters/brothers. You save anything and everything you've ever made in arts & crafts with your friends. You still enjoy the same songs you did at 5 years old. You value the friendship bracelet you got at carnival last summer more than any other piece of jewelry. You write song parodies for fun. Your "real-world" friends have ever limited you to only 5 camp stories a day. Your barter system relies on hugs, backrubs, and chocolate exchanges. You're closer with your group than with your own family. You long for bug juice in winter. Your friends know you're never home from June till September. Your idea of a good song starts with the words "This is a repeat after me song." Your primary method of diplomatic resolution is rock, paper, and scissors. Your tan lines are also your dirt lines. Your teachers know you as a camp person. Your voice quality at the end of the week is inversely proportionate to how good it was. Your water bottle and arts and crafts braclets are as essential as your underwear. Your year only has two seasons. (Summer and Non-summer) Youve ever had to read a policy on bathroom usage. You've ever written a paper about camp for a class. You refer to all your friends as "dude" even though you live no where near the west coast. Youve written down the camp address instead of your own. You know exactly who will repost this blog.

[Sunday December 25th, 2005 at 9:53am] I'm coming home from my hardest year I'm making plans not to Make plans while I'm here And this life has been no holiday A complicated situation I'm fine with all my memories Still I could use vacation It's Christmas in California And it's hard to ignore that It feels like summer all the time But I'll take a West Coast winter To remove my splinters It's good to be alive It's good to be alive I'm coming home To the lights and buzz Streets look the same Still nothing's as it was And this place is paradise I'm sure Here's my reservation I've gotten lost here once before Inside a good vibration It's Christmas in California And it's hard to ignore that It feels like summer all the time But I'll take a West Coast winter To remove my splinters It's good to be alive It's good to be alive It's good to be alive And time It's said it stops for no one. The seasons come and go and that's just time. Well it's said it stops for no one. The seasons keep on going Whether or not we're blind. It's Christmas in California And it's hard to ignore that It feels like summer all the time But I'll take a West Coast winter To remove my splinters It's good to be alive It's good to be alive It's good to be alive

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